


Unannounced Visit

by ElisiansBane



Series: If FMA Had One Responsible Adult [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, No Romance, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23840893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisiansBane/pseuds/ElisiansBane
Summary: Ashley looked forward to visiting the Elric Brothers in their new foster home in Dublith. The letters from them indicated that they were happy and healthy. And then she got there…“Where are Edward and Alphonse?”“They’re out discovering the meaning of ‘all is one, one is all.”Warnings: Cursing, OC- no romance, poking fun,Ep. 2 of Responsible Adult
Series: If FMA Had One Responsible Adult [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717918
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Unannounced Visit

Ashley was so happy to be off that train. The post-storm air was fresh and cool in Dublith. There was still a tiny drizzle, but it was welcome after that uncomfortable train ride. The humid summer heat made the cabin almost unbearable. She estimated that she downed at least three liters of cold water based on how often she had to go to the restroom during the trip.

The town of Dublith was a four hour train ride from Central in the southern district of Amestris. It had a mild climate, decent schools, a strong economy, and a plethora of resources perfect for raising two young boys.

Since the incident in Risembool, Ashley made it her personal mission to ensure that the Elric boys were given a loving home, an education, and happiness. Because the boys’ love of alchemy wouldn’t go away despite what happened, Ashley thought it a good idea to find them a foster home with a trained alchemist who could safely teach them in the art. When she reviewed the profiles of different foster homes, the Curtis home came up and felt like a perfect fit as it had a master alchemist. It was perfect on paper.

When she met the Curtises, they seemed perfectly fine, if not a little quirky, but that was all alchemists so she didn't bat an eye. Edward and Alphonse hit it off with Izumi, talking nonstop about her endless collection of alchemy books. The boys even had positive male role models in Mr. Curtis and the apprentice Mason. Ashley wished of Mason becoming an adoptive big brother to the boys and Sig would be the father they never had.

So it was with ultimate positivity that she appeared before the Curtis home with her review forms and interview questions just to check in to see how things were going. Because of the positive letters from the boys, she was confident this was just procedure and there was nothing to worry about.

She was greeted at the door by Mr. Curtis, who gave her what she hoped was a smile before stepping aside to let her in.

She always found Sig to be a little odd. He was clearly a good provider and complimented his wife perfectly. He reminded her of those giant bodyguards that followed government leaders around. Sig was serious and often defaulted to his wife when it came to most matters, especially for the boys. No worries. He was no threat. If anything, it was Mrs. Curtis who invited more concern. Ashley found her to be...temperamental. She was incredibly intelligent and deeply cared for the boys from what Ashley knew, but there was just this feeling that she treated the boys as older and more physically capable than they actually were.

But as long as her sweetpeas were happy, she was happy.

Sig led her to the house behind their butcher shop. She nodded when he stepped aside to let her in. She set down the box of chocolate chip cookies that the boys specifically requested on the kitchen table to greet the Curtis couple as Izumi walked into the kitchen.

“Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Curtis,” Ashley greeted cheerfully. “I’ve come for my six month check in to see how the boys are doing.”

She immediately noticed Sig stiffen, but Izumi appeared perfectly relaxed. “Sure. They’re doing perfectly. They’ve taken to their alchemy like fish to water.”

“That’s excellent!” Ashley smiled. She paused to pull out her notebook, some paperwork for the Curtis to fill, and an assessment form for her to fill out as she went about her inspection. “As I’m sure you know, this is an unannounced visit so I hope this is a good time. It’s pretty simple, I just need you to give me a tour of the home, show me documentation of the boys’ education, what they’re teachers say and so on. It should be pretty quick.”

Mrs. Curtis gave a relaxed shrug and invited Ashley to tour the home. As she went through each room, Ashley only grew even more pleased as Mrs. Curtis showed how she kept a safe and happy home for the boys. All the while, Mrs. Curtis told stories of the boys and how they were adjusting.

Edward was a troublemaker, but excelled at mathematics, geometry, physics, and, of course, alchemy. Edward’s teachers were impressed with his quick learning and confidence. Though he had a habit of ending up in the principal’s office for getting into fights on the playground. Izumi mentioned that they all had to do with someone bothering Alphonse. Ashley nodded and made a note. She planned to visit the boys’ school anyway and could mention it to the principal. Perhaps Edward would benefit from extracurricular activities to help him socialize better.

Alphonse was an angel, but that didn't surprise anyone. He excelled in the same topics as Edward, and took a liking to art and music. The teachers raved about him. Alphonse mentioned to Izumi about joining the kids’ soccer team and Ashley thought that would be an excellent idea. The only hiccup was that Alphonse was very dependent on his brother and showed no interest in making other friends. Again, Ashley was confident that soccer and other extracurricular activities would help both boys with socialization.

After the tour, they returned to the living room and Sig gave Ashley a cup of tea as they sat to discuss the check in.

“I must say, Mr and Mrs. Curtis that you have been a great improvement to the boys,” Ashley smiled and then sipped her tea. “The boys send me letters all the time about how well they’re doing and how they enjoy your tutelage in alchemy.”

Izumi grinned. “Of course, they’re little brats, but they got their shit together real fast when they moved in.”

Ashley ignored the crass language. “Edward mentioned in a letter that you were teaching them alchemy as well as martial arts? How is that going?”

“They’re doing fine, a little slow, but fine,” Izumi sipped her tea and continued. “Ed likes to get in over his head so he’s a bit of a pain. Alphonse, and this isn't surprising, is very attentive. They like to team up. Once, they managed to pin me.”

The thought of the Elric brothers pinning down a grown woman was amusing. Ashley chuckled quietly. “They are a great team. I wouldn’t expect less.” Then she changed her tone to slightly more serious. “Edward did mention that you body-slammed him into the ground while sparring. He complained of his shoulder hurting. Can you explain that a little more for me?”

Izumi hesitated. Sig coughed where he sat beside his wife. “Ah well, he likes to add drama. It was a simple sparring match, no one was hurt. I did give him first aid and he recovered in a few days.”

Ashley took out her notebook and wrote what Izumi said. She looked up at the couple. “That’s good to hear. I do worry though that you might be too hard on them. Alphonse has mentioned similar things. That’s mainly why I made an unannounced visit. The CDHS requires that any complaints of injury should be investigated.”

“That’s perfectly understandable,” Izumi replied casually. “The boys like to play rough, but I make it a point to do no lasting harm. But learning hand-to-hand combat does mean some minor bumps at times. My goal is to not just make the boys great alchemists, but teach them how to defend themselves without the use of alchemy. Alchemy isn't everything, you know.”

“That’s fair,” Ashley nodded and noted it in her book. She noticed the clock on a bookshelf. “Oh! Aren’t the boys getting out of school now? I’d like to talk to them before I go. I can wait until you bring them back.” This time, Ashley noticed Izumi’s husband glance at the window. Ashley frowned suspiciously, but waited for them to explain.

“They’re out with Mason…” Sig spoke for the first time in his usual dry tone.

Ashley maintained her positivity. “Oh? That’s lovely! When will they be back?”

“Mason took them camping,” Izumi added. This only irked Ashley’s suspicion further.

“When will they get back from camping?” she pressed.

Izumi remained unapologetically blase. “In a couple of days. It’s part of their alchemy training. They must learn the meaning of ‘one is all, all is one’ or I won't teach them alchemy again.”

  
“What’s that?” Ashley asked, curiosity piqued at why such a lesson would mean the end of the boys’ alchemy training.

“We are all part of the same existence. Our being is part of a greater reality and to understand that is to understand alchemy in all its forms,” Izumi explained with the airiness of a poet. “For them to become legitimate alchemists, they must understand they’re place in the world and the circle of life.”

Ashley blinked. “Oh...that’s quite philosophical. I hate to trouble you, but I must-”

Ashley startled when the front door swung open and was followed by a boisterous yell.

“Hey, Mrs. Izumi!” Mason bellowed as he made his way down the hall. “I’m back. Damn, you should’ve seen them this time! Eddie damn near pissed himself when I had him by the shirt! Alphonse was actually praying. They’re gonna need some serious therapy when this is-”

Mason froze on the spot when he came around the corner and locked gazes with Ashley. “Oh, shit…”

Ashley trained herself into an air of calm. She didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Clearly, he must be returning from a trip with the boys. They were likely outside and about to come in - yes, that was it. She straightened her shoulders and gave a small smile. “Hello, Mason. How are you doing?”

“I-I’m a’ight,” Mason said with a nervous cough. He glanced behind Ashley at Izumi and Sig, who remained silent.

“You were out with the boys?” Ashley prompted. “I’m here for their check in.”

“Uh-yeah!” Mason tried to sound laid back. He put his hand behind his head in a parody of laid-back. “We were outside, hanging around. The boys...they like the park and we went there to play...uh...hide and seek!”

“Where are they now?” Ashley’s voice became tight as her impatience and anxiety were tripped. She would give this dumb meathead one more chance to explain where the boys were and why Sig refused to make eye contact when Ashley glanced back at the Curtises for any explanation.

“I dropped them off at a friend’s?” Mason was looking at Izumi for help.

Ashley looked back at Izumi, who just frowned and remained stony. Ashley knew the odd alchemist was intimidating and she would never want to meet Izumi in a dark alley at night, but she had to remain strong. Ashley breathed deeply, fighting the anxiety that was growing into panic as Edward’s supposed overdramatized descriptions of being body-slammed by a grown-ass woman kept replaying in her mind.

“Mr and Mrs. Curtis,” Ashley said clippedly. _“Where are the Elric brothers?”_

If Izumi was at all concerned that Ashley was increasingly agitated then she didn’t show it. Honestly, she didn't back down from Ashley’s narrowed gaze. “It’s part of their training. When I was a young alchemist, I spent time in nature learning to survive and understand the meaning of life. My teacher at the time wouldn’t make me on as his apprentice until I fully understood the meaning of how we are all one and we are all connected. This is the principle behind alchemy and its abilities to change our perception of the world and to truly understand the rewards of our sacrifice. If the boys wish to become powerful alchemists, they need to learn this as soon as possible. Otherwise, their training is pointless.”

Ashley didn't hear anything Izumi said after the word ‘survive.’ She processed the word in her mind along with several worrying scenarios until Izumi finished her speech and watched her expectantly.

“So…” Izumi continued like she didn’t understand the big deal. “They will return just fine.”

“Mrs. Curtis,” Ashley said sternly. “I asked you where the boys were, not your sanctimonious half-assed explanation of the human experience.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * *

“Edward! Alphonse! Where are you!?”

When Mrs. Curtis finally told Ashley the boys were ‘camping’ on a small island outside of downtown unsupervised, the social worker screeched that she would see the couple in court as she leapt from her spot to go find the boys. She dragged the couple and that meathead Mason with her to help search after she threatened to have them all arrested for assault. Luckily there was only one small island in Dublith so it didn't take long for them to get there.

“Edward! Alphonse!” Ashley called out while lumbering through the muddy island in heels. She swore viciously when her foot sank into a mud puddle left over from the recent storm.

Mason walked meekly behind her, occasionally calling out but always looking back at her like she would attack him if those boys weren’t found in one piece. Which was true. The Curtises were a little ways away rummaging through some brush while sending sharp glances back at Ashley like she was being irrational.

“I cannot believe you thought this was a good idea!” Ashley snarled as she continued to lumber through the brush. “How does leaving two babies on an island in the middle of a category two hurricane teach them about life!? And when they’re supposed to be in school!”

“They aren’t babies! Those boys wanted to be alchemists! This is what being an alchemist is!” Izumi argued. “Alchemy isn’t for children, so they needed to grow before they could truly begin their training.”

Ashley spun around with a snarl. “If I had known that, I would never have moved them in with you! And how did you come to the conclusion that leaving them on an island for a fucking month would teach them the meaning of life?!”

“A non-alchemist wouldn’t understand,” Izumi snubbed. Ashley’s eyebrow twitched. “Alchemy is a powerful force that culminates into the existence of all beings. It’s the meaning of existence. Our lives are but one moment in existence. When we die, our bodies return to the earth and the cycle continues. A classroom and books won't teach them that.”

“But leaving them to starve to death during weeks of torrential rain will?” Ashley asked dryly. “Also, what kind of pseudo-philosophical bullpucky is that?! Did you read that out of a horoscope?” Ashley jabbed a finger at Mason. “And how is this thug beating them supposed to teach them that?!”

“Well...it wasn't my idea!” Mason nervously protested. “Ms. Izumi said it was part of their training. She’s like - ex-military so I thought she knew what she was doing! She sent me to check on them once in a while to make sure they were okay, too! It was supposed to teach them self-defense!”

Ashley swapped a mosquito with another swear. “And how does beating the shit outta them make sure they’re ok?”

“I didn’t beat the shit outta them!” Mason retorted. “I just roughed them up a little so they’d defend themselves. I made them fish when they couldn’t hunt for shit!”

Ashley spun to pin this asshole with a cold stare. “Defend? Seriously!? Of course, they can't hunt! They’ve never had to!” Ashley straightened and walked up to the Curtises with revenge in her eyes. Mason was the only one decent enough to look ashamed. “Why - _just why_ \- was this decided to be a good way to teach them anything! Edward sleeps with a nightlight! Alphonse is afraid of creepy-crawlies! _They wear footie pajamas!_ What about that made you think they could survive alone for weeks on an island!?”

“I thought it was time they grew out of that,” Izumi said with narrowed eyes. She faced Ashley who didn’t back down, despite being a little nervous. “Instead of judging my child-rearing methods, why don't we just focus on getting the boys?”

Ashley growled and turned around to continue the search. “I cannot believe you! Just-just-I don't know! It should be so obvious, but here we are searching for these kids and they're probably dead or-or...If they’re dead, I’m going to drag all of you to that eyeless truth demon-god asshole thing and force him to trade you for my sweetpeas!”

Izumi paused. “Truth? You met Truth?”

Ashley huffed, she wasn't even looking at the Curtises as she continued stomping through the foliage. “Yeah, the jerk thought he could take advantage of the boys and steal their bodies. He stole Ed’s leg and took Al’s entire body! What’s he gonna do with a little boy’s body? I call pedophile!”

“How’d you survive?” Izumi demanded as she followed her. “That should be impossible for someone who doesn’t even know alchemy!”

“I gave him twenty-five cenz,” Ashley said casually and didn’t notice the shocked expression on Izumi’s face.

After another half-hour of searching, they happened upon a makeshift campsite right when Ashley was ready to call the cops and have the Curtises arrested. It was a tiny fire pit with a stick propped up holding a fish skeleton. The tiny slither of smoke from the ashes meant the Elric brothers couldn’t be far.

“Alphonse! Edward!” Ashley screamed as loud as possible. “It’s Ms. Ashley! I’m here to take you home!”

She walked down what looked like a path, but in her haste didn’t notice the leaves carefully laid on the ground and fell into a trap.

“Son of a fucking _BIITTCCHH!”_ She swore and scared a poor flock of birds that escaped as quickly as possible. She froze when she heard rustling in the nearby bushes and her black rage was replaced by relieved hope.

“Ew tog meht!” A dirtied Edward jumped out from behind a tree holding a makeshift spear and completely naked except for what looked like briefs made from woven grass. “Ew tonw evrats!”

“Yay, Rehtorb!” Alphonse appeared next to Edward wearing a grass skirt and nothing else. “Ew llahs knaht eht yloh yb gnicifircas reh traeh ot eht sdog!”

Edward scoffed. “Sdog tnia od gnithon!”

The boys paused when they noticed the disgruntled ashley in their booby trap. “Sm. Yelhsa?”

“Boy!” Ashley said, almost in tears now that the boys were alive and safe. “I’m so glad we found you!”

The boys quickly rushed to help Ashley out of the pit. They smiled at her and she noticed their teeth were yellow. Completely naked, yellow teeth, significant loss of weight, and speaking in total babble - she would see the Curtises in court. But now, she embraced the boys in total joy.

She felt the boys pull away suddenly. She followed their gaze to see them staring in fright at Izumi.

“Ahhh! Nur!” The boys took off into the woods leaving behind an aghast Ashley.

“Wait! Boys! She won’t hurt you!” Ashley took off after them. They ignored her and ran as fast as they could back into the bushes. Thankfully, Alphonse tripped and started crying and she was able to catch up. Somehow out of thin air, Edward’s spear reappeared and Ashley immediately froze with her hands in the air.

“Ed? Honey? Everything is fine…” Ashley said gently. “We’re going to take you to a hospital and then get you out of here.”

“On! T’nac ew! Fi ew og kcab, ll’ew reven emoceb stsimehcla!” Ed protested.

Alphonse shakily stood up behind his brother. “Ew evah ot yats!”

‘They’ve gone feral…’ Ashley thought in horror. Weeks of living in a damn jungle robbed them of their civilization or worse...they contracted a foreign disease that ruined their cognitive function. ‘Oh the months of rehabilitation they will need!’

“No, boys! We’ll find you a new teacher,” Ashley glared back at Izumi, who still had the nerve to look annoyed. “Someone who isn’t a sociopath!”

Izumi glared back. “Hey, you need to watch who you’re talking to. I’ve taken better care of these boys than anyone else! You said they wanted to be alchemists. Well, this is how you become a real alchemist. A pussy certified instructor won’t give them that. And you treating them like newborns won’t help!”

Izumi walked up to stand in Ashley’s personal space, but the social worker remained strong. “All is one, one is all! Everything in the world is connected, even if they are disconnected. It is all part of one entity that defines our existence - The Universe is an all pervading entity. It is impossible to fully appreciate this truth without facing the harsh reality of life. They need to understand they’re existence means nothing and the world will carry on when they’re dead.”

It took Ashley a couple of minutes of staring blankly at Izumi’s smug expression before the now ex-foster mother’s words sunk in and Ashley was absolutely offended.

“That is something a first-year fake-woke college student says after taking one philosophy class at a liberal arts college when he’s trying to convince a drunk girl to fuck him!” Ashley was absolutely appalled at this woman's arrogance and her clear disregard for her legal obligations as a certified - now uncertified - foster parent.

Seeing the futility of this conversation, Ashley turned to look at the boys who watched them anxiously. Ashley calmed herself and gave the boys a reassuring smile. “Hey, sweetpeas. Ready to go home and get the fuck out of here?”

Edward and Alphonse looked at each other and nodded. “Kcuf, sey!” Edward spoke on their behalf. They both obediently filed behind Ashley and she took their hands to lead them back to the boat. Ashley was taking them to a hospital first and then calling the police to escort her when she returned to the Curtis residence to help the boys pack.

Sig and the meathead had remained silent during the exchange. They quietly helped Ashley get the boys into the boat and nervously paddled them back to the mainland while Ashley and Izumi stared maliciously at each other with two scared boys sitting between them.

“An average person wouldn’t understand the nuances of alchemy,” Izumi said lowly.

“Tell that to the judge and see how that goes,” Ashley spat. “I honestly hope you never have children because a psycho-”

Sig, Meathead, Edward, and Alphonse’s faces went white with horror. “Sm. Yelhsa - ON!!!!”

That was the last thing Ashley remembered before her face was hit with what could only be a cinder block and everything went black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * *

Ashley woke up with a pitiful groan. She heard the steady beeping of a heart monitor as she tried to sit up. Her head was hurting so much she felt nauseous. She numbly reached up to feel her heavily bandaged face.

“What... the hell... happened?” She slurred. She blearily looked around the hospital room. “Ed? Al?”

“Ms. Ashley! You’re alive!” Ashley finally saw Edward and Alphonse standing at the foot of her bed.

“We thought you died,” Alphonse said, rushing to her side. “Don’t move! The doctor said you have like, ten concussions.”

“You’re talking normal again,” Ashley swayed when she sat up to examine the boys. Their hair was cut, their clothes were clean, and they had been thoroughly bathed.

The boys nodded. “They fed us!” Edward happily explained. Ashley could only guess that their inability to talk had to do with low blood sugar.

“Where is Izumi?” Ashley asked and checked to see if the bedroom door was shut and locked.

“Teacher went back to the house when we got you to the emergency room,” Alphonse explained sadly. “She said you were wasting her time.”

Ashley gritted her teeth. “I will not rest until her ass is in jail…”

“You can't put her in jail, Ms. Ashley!” Edward protested. “We need to become alchemists!”

“There are other ways to become an alchemist!” Ashley said exasperatedly. “That psycho is not the only alchemist. I’ll find you a great teacher - just don’t ever go back to her again, you hear me?! I don’t need a reason to hire a search party to retrieve your bodies!”

Both boys looked down in disappointment. “Yes, Ms. Ashley...” They said in unison.

“Why do you two want to become alchemists so badly?” Ashley asked after a pause. “You can be anything else! What about chemists? That’s like...alchemy for normal people.”

Edward and Alphonse looked at each other awkwardly. Ashley eyed them with growing cynicism.

“We just have to…” Edward explained firmly.

If it wasn't for the excruciating pain that was making her see four boys instead of two, Ashley would have pushed them to explain further. She let it go for now as she needed to get better to write her report and get that bitch, her crazy husband, and that thug in jail.

Ashley assured herself that this was the last time she would fail her sweetpeas. She would ensure that absolutely nothing and no one would jeopardize their health and safety again!

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * *

Responsible Adult episode two! Brownie points if you can understand Ed and Al. It's not hard.

What will happen to Ms. Ashley? Will she have Izumi arrested? Will Ed and Al become chemists? Tune in next time for episode three of Responsible Adult!

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I hope it made you smile amidst all the chaos in the world right now.

EB

**Author's Note:**

> Responsible Adult episode two!
> 
> Will Ms. Ashley need therapy for her ten concussions? Will she have Izumi arrested? Will Ed and Al become chemists? Tune in next time for episode three of Responsible Adult!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I hope it made you smile amidst all the chaos in the world right now.
> 
> EB


End file.
